A Razor's Edge
by Lydian Stone
Summary: Pure brokenness bled where there once was strength. Kensi couldn't fix him, but perhaps helping Deeks with one small task could be a start to healing them both. Episode tag to Impact (5x02)


A/N: I wrote this in October right after the episode Impact (5x02) and am finally getting it posted. Better late than never!

**A Razor's Edge**

_Decline. _

Deeks tossed his phone and reasoned that he wasn't rejecting her; he was just looking out for his partner by keeping her at a safe distance for the sake of her emotional health. He suspected that he was losing his mind and he didn't want her to suffer from second-hand insanity. She deserved to go on with her life and not to be dragged into the chaos that had been festering inside him since it had happened. That's what he told himself, anyway, when he relegated her to voicemail for the umpteenth time.

He'd been living in an anxious stasis, perpetually on the edge of loosing it completely. He had told Nate that he'd suffered trauma in the past and he had, but before he joined OSP his demons had been his alone to bear. Licking his wounds was a lot harder when he couldn't just shut out the world in general and more specifically one woman.

_Kensi._

It hadn't been wise to stir so many taboo emotions, especially when the bad guys du jour were juggling nuclear bombs. Still, he couldn't regret it because thoughts of her had been his only tether to a happier reality. He'd felt a thrilling sensation where her soft lips met his clear until the same sensitive skin had been beaten and broken.

It seemed like the kiss had happened to an alternate version of himself and he hadn't decided how hard he wanted to try to be that man again. Hetty would give up on him soon enough; his superiors always did. She would have to accept that the cop she'd recruited would never cross over into being the agent that the mighty mite had insisted he could be. No one else ever considered him to be more than Kensi's ragtag sidekick.

No, Kensi was the kicker; the most gorgeous catch twenty-two in the history of all dilemmas. He was no longer fit to be her partner but he just couldn't entrust her to anyone else. Sam and Callen would look out for her but eventually she'd get a new partner. It would only take a split second for a bullet to fly or a bomb to ignite and (as much as he knew she'd punch his arm for the thought) she needed a sentinel. Not just any warm body with a badge and gun would do, only one who would care enough for her personally to be willing to give his life for hers. The thought of another man feeling that strongly for her knotted his stomach.

He decided that OSP needed to recruit more women.

The knock on the door cut short his thoughts and prompted him into instinctual movement.

At the sight of her unique eyes through the peephole his heartbeat raced; faster than the elevated rate he'd maintained since being rescued. He knew he shouldn't let her in. He was no good for her any more, maybe he never had been.

For the first time in weeks he saw himself and his apartment for what they were; filthy . . . chaotic . . . broken. He wished he could have showered before opening the door. If he had maybe she would think he was okay enough to let alone. Kensi was a magnet for lost causes and he had no doubt that she'd take one look at him and be overwhelmed with an innate need to save him. He wasn't worth it and she was worth so much more.

Despite that rationale, he couldn't help himself. He grabbed the knob, turned and pulled before he could talk himself out of it.

The air whooshed out of him at his first proper meeting with her in weeks. She had always been a knockout, but he was struck with it anew, causing his nerves to thrum even more erratically. She used to fight to appear so self-assured, especially when they first started working together. Kensi Blye revealed no weaknesses then and Deeks had nearly drooled on her shoes as he'd follow her like a puppy, or at least that was how he remembered it. Over time instead of always trying to flaunt her toughness, she started letting Deeks see the slivers of the pain and insecurities that she'd never shown Callen or Sam, much less the rest of the world.

The woman before him was equal parts warmth and insecurity. And if she felt insecure, he was downright vulnerable. He couldn't meet her eyes, as though he'd been living in a cave for a month and then was exposed to pure sunshine, which wasn't far from the truth.

The peace offering of Chinese and the sound of her voice lilting between them were dangerously enticing. He wanted so much to be the guy who offered a one-liner to bait her into a self-deprecating tease. He wanted to steal the bag of food and make her fight him for it. He wanted to have the easy and self-assured mannerisms he used to possess. The wit and charm that defined him had left and a shell of someone he no longer recognized remained.

She came in hesitantly. He would give anything for her to march into the room, tell him he stunk and order him into the shower. She didn't. Instead she radiated a gentleness that cut deeper than any bossy demands ever could.

* * *

To Kensi, the situation was all too familiar. Pure brokenness bled where there once had been strength. The confident man who had taken charge and kissed her senseless weeks ago had diminished into a skittish boy who couldn't meet her eyes.

She had seen that look before and it hadn't ended well.

Since Kensi had rescued Deeks she'd spent a lot of time dissecting what had gone wrong with Jack. She knew that PTSD was not something she could have cured, but she still felt as though she'd failed her fiancé when he needed her most. She had tried so hard to fix things for him, for both of them, so they could go back to the way they were. She didn't doubt her intentions with Jack but in hindsight, he hadn't needed her to tell him what he should do or have her to do things for him; he needed her to be patient with him and accept that life was and forever would be irrevocably altered.

This situation wasn't exactly the same as Jack's and that gave her hope. Jack went through his hell a world away and tried to keep it all from Kensi. He refused to tell her about it but this time she'd been the one to deliver Deeks to safety. She'd stormed into his hell, cut his bindings and brought him out of it so she hoped they were starting on more solid ground.

Whatever Deeks needed, or didn't, from her she would trust him to lead at his own pace rather than mother henning him into running.

Still, it was hard not to comment on how far he'd let himself go not because she was judging him but because that was what they did; they called each other out on the small things, especially when it symbolized something more was brewing under the surface. He was exhausted and anxious and the 'fix-it' side of her was itching to act but instead she metaphorically sat on her hands.

She offered him food and he took it. It was a start. She'd avoided anything that would be tough for him to chew in case he hadn't healed physically enough to handle it. It bothered her that she didn't even know. She caught him touching his jaw a few times but she tried to mask her worry.

* * *

It all felt surreal. Deeks had been so embarrassed when he'd opened the door but now Kensi was sitting with him discussing cronuts. It was the first easy conversation he'd had since before he'd kissed her, before his world had exploded with dazzling sensations of nothing but her then promptly imploded with Sam's pointed glares and Vissery's relentless dentistry.

His mind still whirled with the occasional flashback, but pain was no longer all he saw while in Kensi's presence. She was the anchor that kept him from being resigned to join the ranks of the schizophrenic homeless. He might not have been able to face her lately but he'd been fighting his demons because of her; because she let him kiss her once-upon-a-time and there had to be a shred of that bolder man somewhere within him.

The larger question that was looming was whether there was enough of that man to ever be a cop again. If sleeping was impossible, the task of getting mentally and physically prepared to have Kensi's back seemed insurmountable. She had the biggest vested interest in if he would return but she wasn't pushing him to decide or demanding anything of him except his company during a scary movie.

He could do that.

* * *

He didn't ask her to leave. She didn't have to insist on staying. He didn't even throw away the Franco-American pastry baby when she told him it was stale. Maybe they could survive this.

"What happens next?"

She wanted so badly to smooth her fingers through his hair and hum something comforting, but the only song that came to mind (that she couldn't get out of her mind) although fitting, was way too corny.

What she really wanted was to feel the press of his lips on hers again and a promise that he'd be okay, that they'd survive.

"It's a love story . . ."

She had no idea where that came from but she'd seen too much of the world to believe that love conquers all and that they would ever again be who they were before this happened.

He'd said her smile had gotten him through it but she still couldn't forgive herself. Proving Michelle's cover was mission essential but regardless, Kensi had contributed to his torture. He had been tied up, bloodied and suffering terribly then she'd set him up to feel and hear himself get shot when she wasn't even sure he'd understood it was going to happen. After she had affixed his vest she walked out of the auto repair shop, turned the corner and vomited. Granger had graciously looked the other way before hustling her to their hiding spot then he had wisely let her rush back in the moment the coast was clear.

Deeks wasn't a resentful type but he also had never begged to be saved before. Then again, Jack had never reacted violently before his trauma. Kensi shook her head slightly to try to erase any comparison.

One day they'd have to talk about it; about how she abandoned him. She couldn't sleep at night when echoes of his small voice filled her empty room but she would never ask for his forgiveness because in her book, some things should never be forgiven.

Tonight, though, wasn't about confessions or heart-to-hearts. He needed to sleep and she was determined to watch over her partner so he could start to heal.

* * *

Hours later Kensi twitched awake in a panic. She gently nudged Deeks off her shoulder then rushed to the kitchen and splashed water on her face. She toweled it dry and took a few calming breaths then bypassed the tap and grabbed a beer. She sat back down on the couch, slouching heavily with her elbows on her knees.

"Hey, Kens, you okay?"

She felt his warm hand moving in slow circles on her back.

"Yeah. I'm fine." She gave him a forced smile. "Go back to sleep."

His baby blues penetrated her fascade in the ambient light.

"Not gonna happen, Princess. Not 'til you tell me what's wrong."

She melted in an embarrassingly girly way every time he called her pet names. He initially said them to rattle her, but lately she knew he'd meant them all.

"Deeks, you have to be exhausted."

He looked at the time on his phone then tossed it back down. "Wow, I slept for five hours. I feel like I just hibernated."

She looked away from him.

"Kensi, Come on, what's going on up there."

He lightly tugged a strand of her hair.

"Please, Deeks, not right now."

_This shouldn't be about me. Don't you dare try to comfort me when you're the one who's really hurting._

He bumped her shoulder with his and tried a different tactic. "Come on, Sugar Bear, admit it. Scary movie night was just too scary, even with me here to protect you."

She gave a relieved laugh that he was letting her deflect.

He put his fingers over hers on the neck of the beer bottle. She let him take a swig then warned him, "You better not have back-washed."

He offered it back to her and teased reflexively, "What? So now you're suddenly opposed to swapping spit with your partner?"

* * *

She froze. They hadn't talked about the kiss and their landscape had changed so drastically since then that it felt like it happened in another lifetime. No sooner had the words escaped than he realized what he'd said. He stood abruptly and ran a hand through his shaggy locks, "Sorry, I think I get stupid when I'm ridiculously strung out. I'm gonna go," he motioned towards the bathroom, "shower." He smelled his shirt. "I'm surprised Monty hasn't taken me out back and hosed me down yet." He wanted to add that she could let herself out, but the annoyingly weak side of him didn't want to give her an excuse to leave.

He turned the water to cold in an effort to stay alert enough to watch his mouth before making their tentative reunion any more awkward. He stripped off his clothes, stepped into the spray and washed himself methodically. He then stood in the icy flow, lost in thought. After a while there was a light knock on the door then it cracked open and he heard Kensi carefully ask, "Deeks, You okay in there?"

That shook him out of his stupor.

"Yeah, sorry. How long has it been?"

"Twenty minutes. Take your time, I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall asleep or anything."

"No, no, I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Okay. . . if you need anything . . . "

"While I'm in the shower?" He didn't even say it suggestively.

He turned off the tap, dried himself then wrapped a towel around his waist.

"Well, no, not exactly. Sorry. Never mind."

The door snicked shut and the sound flashed in his mind as an echo of another door that had closed behind her. Suddenly he was back in the chair, restrained and frantic.

He started hyperventilating.

_You're okay. You're home. It's over. _

The mantra didn't help. Even replaying his father's sneering words couldn't get him to stop the all too familiar tears. _'Take it like a man for once, you sissy.'_ He felt like a sissy and a weakling and a total freakin' wreck.

"Deeks."

He scowled at his reflection, willing himself to toughen up. He didn't trust himself to speak.

"Deeks, I'm going to open the door slowly, okay?"

* * *

_Oh, God, please, let him be okay. Please let this be the right move._

She braced herself, remembering walking into a room too silently and startling Jack. He had shoved her against the wall and twisted her arm so far behind her back that she cried out in pain. The sound had stricken him and he had let go instantly. She'd assured him that she was okay and apologized for sneaking up on him. He hadn't said a word; just gently tested her range of motion. When she winced he dropped her arm as though it had stung him and rushed out of the apartment. That had been the last time she had ever seen him.

She turned the knob and pressed the door open enough to slide her fingers around. When he didn't protest she opened it the rest of the way and stepped behind him. She took in his reflection from over his shoulder. His eyes were clenched shut and his body tense, he was breathing rapidly. She wasn't sure if he'd even heard her voice so she said calmly, "Hey, Deeks, I'm right behind you. Nod if you can hear me."

He gave her a curt nod and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, wiping away the humiliating moisture that had pooled in his eyes.

* * *

_Please let me crumple in a heap and die right now._

"Can I touch you?"

He huffed incredulously, "Always." He felt Kensi relax a little behind him and rest a palm on his bare shoulder blade. He knew he couldn't just blow off his panic attack; he needed to give her some explanation. She wouldn't demand it, but she deserved it. "Sorry, I just . . . it just hits me sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah . . . you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "No, but Nate says I have to or I'll go clinically insane, or more clinically insane than I am right now." He paused then continued with a shaky voice. "I have so much swirling around in my mind, Kens, so much I want to tell you and don't want to tell you but should and I don't know where to start or how to find the right words."

She snaked her arms around him from behind. Her hands were warm and soft and her silky hair was a balm against his back as she rested her chin on his shoulder. "Since when have we ever gotten the words right?" He sighed in agreement. "You don't need to get it all out tonight, and you don't need to worry about anything you say driving me away. I'm here, Deeks, right here and I'm not going anywhere."

He could feel so much of her against his bare skin and he was overwhlemed at so much affection after starving himself of her company. Still, the thought that screamed for attention the loudest as she held him closely was that he had too many defects to be reveling in this. He blurted out the first failing that came to mind to remind her that he was damaged goods.

"I can't shave."

She lifted her chin off his shoulder and asked curiously, "Do you want to shave?"

"No, but I want _to be able_ to shave."

"You've tried?"

He shrugged.

"When I hold the razor, my hand shakes. The blade on my jaw . . . I can't to it. I tried using electric clippers but the vibration and the sound . . ."

He felt like an idiot.

"Would it be better if . . . do you want me to try?"

It hadn't occurred to him that she would offer and he wasn't sure that it was such a good idea.

"I don't know, Kens. I trust you with a gun, but are you Gillette certified?" He gave her an attempt at a smile.

She nodded.

"Jack broke his arm in a training exercise once. He kept cutting himself when he'd shave with his left hand so I did it everyday for a month."

"Did you ever cut the guy?"

"Nope. Not once."

He met her eyes in the mirror and admitted, "I want to say yes, but if that blade hits my face and I react . . . "

"Then I'll drop you and we'll know the beard is meant to stay for now."

_Thank you for not saying, 'Then we'll know you're too unstable.'_

"Fair enough. Here goes nothing." He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the foam and a razor.

"Do you want me to scissor cut the beard first?"

"NO. No scissors. I, uh, made myself do that last time but it didn't go well, even after I loaded up on Xanax. I think the fewer steps to this the better."

"Okay, that's okay. It may take a bit longer, but we should be able to get it with just the razor." She leaned against the counter to his side and squirted a dollop of foam on her palm then asked, "You ready?"

"Yeah, Fern, do your worst."

She put her non-foamy hand on his jaw slowly to make sure he wasn't too skittish. She gently scratched at the scruff while he locked eyes with her. "Does it still hurt?"

"Sometimes when I chew, but what you're doing now? That's therapeutic."

She bit a corner of her lip and replied, "Good."

She applied the foam to his face in gentle sweeping movements. When he had a white beard for her to work with she got the razor wet and started at his sideburn and made the first cut straight down. He closed his eyes and she could tell he was tense but fighting it. She tried to distract him by casually running her free hand along his neck and shoulder and telling him the more exciting aspects of the cases they'd been working and how she and Callen had way too much alone time over the summer. She mentioned Sam coming back but she hesitated to go into detail aside from saying that the guy made it clear that he missed Deeks.

It eased him just enough to get through it, not just her touch but hearing her voice even if he wasn't absorbing the words. Those comforts muted the cold slice of the blade and Kensi got that. Kensi always got him. She grounded him just as he grounded her. It's what they did for each other and he should have remembered that weeks ago. They either functioned in tandem or they fell apart separately. He absently wondered when that symbiosis first began.

Before he knew it Kensi was patting his face with a towel. "There." She put it down then felt along his smooth jaw. "Smooth as silk."

He looked at himself in the mirror for a moment, angling from one side to another.

"It's not really me."

Kensi shrugged knowing he was talking about more than just the beard.

"It just takes time to grow it back to where you want to be, you'll get there, but you know, it doesn't change who you are in the meantime."

She let her fingertips gently explore the newly exposed skin. He leaned his forehead against hers and placed his hands loosely at her sides.

"I can't promise you –" She abruptly cut him off with a kiss; as passionate as first real kiss they'd shared. He was lost in the feeling of her all over again, his nerves thrummed with the exhilaration of what she was communicating. They were lousy with words but he felt every bit of what she'd held back surge through her affection. She reached around him and touched every bit of his exposed back. She leaned into him as he skirted his hands up and down her sides, trying to keep from losing control of the moment completely.

_Oh, Kensi. This shouldn't be happening. You shouldn't get involved with a loser like me. You should walk away; you should . . . but please don't._

He raised one hand to sweep his fingers into her hair and felt her tears brand his thumb as it brushed her cheek, he broke their kiss to frame her face and wipe the rest away. "Hey, hey now. Come on, Princess, please don't." He kissed more moisture from her face.

"I only want one promise." Her voice quavered. "Promise me that you and I will be okay. Things will be hard and I'm not saying I want you to be ready to pick up where we left off before you were taken."

He chuckled nervously, "Really, 'cause it sure felt like it a few seconds ago."

She lightly smacked his chest then continued, "Deeks, I'm serious. It killed me that you wouldn't take my calls. I know I don't deserve –"

He cut her off firmly, "Whoa, whoa, wait. What don't you deserve? Because from where I'm standing, you deserve the world, Darlin'."

She shrugged away from him and crossed her arms. "I left you. You were terrified and I left. Who does that to someone they. . . they . . . care about this much?"

_I love you, too, Kensi, so much._

"You didn't abandon me. You helped me finish the mission." She hadn't meant to go there, not tonight, not ever unless he did. She cursed herself for letting the conversation go that way.

"You begged me to free you. I didn't. It's okay to be angry at me for that."

He unfolded her arms and took both her hands in his.

"I felt a lot of things while I was being tortured. I was scared out of my wits, Kensi, I won't deny it, but I never blamed you." Then it hit him. "Wait, Kens, did you think I was MIA because I was mad at you?"

She shrugged and admitted, "I figured that was the main reason you shut me out. I understand retreating from everyone else, but I'd just assumed I was . . ." She couldn't find the right word. Different? Special? Safe? She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, "I'm sorry, it was arrogant to think-"

"It's not arrogant if it's true." He kissed her forehead. "You do mean more to me than anyone else and I should have known you'd blame yourself for me pulling away from you. The truth is that I don't know why I'm struggling this much. I've been beat up plenty of times, but that? That wasn't just pain, it was sadistic. Sam was glaring at me and I was close, _so close, _to giving up Michelle so they would just kill me." He took in a few shaky breaths then continued, "Before you walked in I wanted them to do it, Kensi." He hadn't admitted that out loud and his words pierced them both. "I couldn't trust myself with you after being that screwed up."

She whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Deeks rested his hand on her arm and took a step closer to her. "Nothing to apologize for. I haven't been fair to you. and since we're laying it all on the table, I want you to hear the rest of this, okay?"

She nodded but her eyes stayed trained on the wall.

"The truth is when you walked in, you were the most beautiful sight I ever saw. I knew you'd come back for me. Sure, I wanted to get out of Dodge but, Kens, if you had taken me out too early all that torture would've been for nothing. They didn't touch me again after that." He placed a bent finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to his. "You need to hear this. He didn't lay a finger on me after you left. But, if Michelle had died because I couldn't man up and take a few more minutes of sitting in that chair I would've never forgiven myself. You believed in me. Even when I was broken, you knew in the end I could never live with myself if I didn't do the right thing, and what you did _was_ the right thing."

Kensi slowly slid down the wall, sobbing into her hands. Eventually she confessed, "I close my eyes and you're in my dreams, begging me to free you. I walk into work and see your empty desk and know there's no way you'd want to keep working with a woman who could go from kissing you to leaving you in your own personal hell in the blink of an eye."

Deeks crammed next to her on the floor and put his arm around her.

"I wasn't the only one who was tortured that day. I have the scars and enough dental work that I'll never have an easy pass through the metal detector at LAX again but I know if it were me having to walk away from you? That? That still would have been the right tactical call, but it would have been more painful than every form of extreme dentistry imaginable. I'd always choose to be the one in the chair over you. Every. Single. Time. He kissed the side of her head to punctuate each word. "You had the raw end of the deal this time around."

She turned into him and he wrapped her in a tight but awkward embrace considering their positions. After a few minutes Deeks kissed her cheek and said, "I think I probably should put some pants on, then you and I? We're going to my room to sleep for the next twelve hours."

He stood and pulled her to standing, wrapped his arms around her and held her snug against him.

Her hair flowed down his bare arm as she leaned the side of her head on his shoulder and breathed in the musky residue of his shaving cream. She was too tired to even curse her derailed emotions as her breath hitched and she dampened his skin with more long-restrained tears. "Hey now, Kens, we're alright. I'm so sorry I pushed you away."

She shook her head, "Just, don't do it again, okay. I sorta like having you around to bug me every day."

"I told you I'd grow on you."

She huffed a laugh and added, "Like a fungus."

She skimmed both her arms along his skin until one hand moved to the nape of his neck and the other migrated just north of his waistline. In any other context his reply would have seemed snarky but within the confines of his embrace they were a warm assurance that he'd recover. "Keep tellin' yourself that, Princess, but I know that deep down you really love me."

He was sort of teasing.

Sort of.

She didn't deny it.

* * *

Ten minutes later Kensi, dressed in Deek's t-shirt and shorts, sat against the headboard and pulled a pillow into her lap. Her partner melted onto the bed and face-planted on the pillow. Kensi twined her fingers through his hair and started humming.

Deeks turned his head to the side and muttered through another yawn, "I Got You, Babe? Really?"

"Callen drove today and he countered Sam's 80's rap from yesterday with cheesy bands. My mind's still full of Sonny & Cher and Abba and that, in a nutshell, is the real reason I need you to come back."

He gave a low chuckle and brushed his fingers slowly along her knee. He smirked at her sweetly and asked, "So, Fern, what do you say, you gonna Take a Chance on Me?" She'd missed that mischievous glint in his eye so very much.

She brushed the back of her fingers along his freshly shaven skin and said, "Every time, Partner. Every time."

And with that, Deeks drifted into a restorative sleep.

* * *

The End

Reviews are most welcome.


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